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The First Annual P’arang’s Birthday Celebration Right Speech Dharma Talk
October 27, 2002
The Still Point Code of Ethics: We undertake the precept of refraining from false speech. We agree to make every effort to speak that which is true and useful and refrain from gossip. We agree to hold in confidence what is explicitly told to us in confidence. We agree to cultivate conscious and clear communication, and to cultivate the quality of loving kindness and honesty as the basis of our speech.
I promised our board that I would talk about right speech somewhere around my birthday because, for most of us, (okay, for me anyway) speech is what gets us into trouble as we head into enlightenment. In a way this talk already reminds me of Zen stories where a Zen master or teacher shouts at himself or herself to pay better attention to the places where screw-ups happen.
The Buddha taught that speech needs to be wise, loving, helpful. A half century of years on this planet has painfully taught me this truth: whenever I open my mouth, danger is near. Thinking about the patterns of mistakes that show up all too often, I hereby offer some behaviors that keep me out of trouble (on the days when I’m not in trouble).
One: Not lying. (Lying by omission is still lying.) When I was about four years old we lived in an apartment in Cincinnati, Ohio. I can clearly remember the day when a very large neighbor of ours showed up at the front door to ask my mother what she thought of a new dress she had on. It had red cherries all over it. Big red cherries. She looked terrible. The dress didn’t fit. It made her look fat. Before my mother had a chance to respond I grimaced and said she looked awful. The woman left the doorway in tears and I got my first lesson on the social benefit of “white lies” from mom. While I got pretty good at them growing up, the thing is ….. they are still lies. And they can still hurt. I think of couples where one partner asks the other how he or she is and the response is “okay” when in truth the relationship might suck. Nobody is helped by the “white lie” in the long run. Better to find a skillful way to tell the truth. For example I could have said that the woman would look prettier in a different dress. Same truth, less harm.
Two: Watching out for harshness. See if we can get down to one curse word. Or, what the heck, go for the gold: no curse words. I went to an all women’s college where we prided ourselves on cursing like truck drivers. There is something so satisfying about a string of expletives. The problem is that the curse words go down so smoothly that we don’t even notice when we’re harming children who might be within earshot, or people who are offended by the words we’re choosing. This is such an easy fix. We need to stop. Or better yet, come up with new words that have no meaning and then we can just blather away, hopefully not losing all our friends in the process, since it has now become quite clear that we are card carrying crazy.
Three: Leaving out the third party. Its ok if this leaves most of the day silent. I’m convinced that gossiping is a primal need. One of my favorite things in the whole world is to read People cover to cover. It is fun, funny, entertaining. Spending time with friends, it is a blast to hear stories about people I know. Any kind of story. The problem is that stories are rarely accurate and often harmful. Plus they have a way of taking on a life of their own, where the negative aspects have a penchant for growing like the mold on our abbey shower curtain. Not good. I was lucky enough to spend a weekend at a Zen Center on Oregon a couple of years ago where they just plain didn’t gossip. The only stories people told were about themselves – adventures mostly. At first our conversations felt a little awkward. But as I got used to the lay of the land it was wonderfully relaxing to just listen, knowing I could ask for more details because they knew them.
Four: Remembering that sarcasm hurts. It hurts a lot. What’s hard about this one is that sarcasm can be roll-on-the-ground funny. No matter. The humor is always at someone else’s expense. Not worth the negative karma accumulated.
So for this birthday I vow to be more skillful with my speech. I vow to ask myself, before the words come tumbling out, are these words kind? Beneficial? Is this the right time to say it?
If the answer to any of these questions is no, I vow to chew a hole in my cheek before I open my mouth. For the sake of the world.
