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"In this world
it is good
to be dutiful
to one's mother,
dutiful
to one's father,
helpful
to people on a spiritual path, and helpful
to the enlightened ones.
It is good to stay virtuous
into old age.
It is good to have unshakable faith.
It is good to gain wisdom.
It is good to be free. "
The Still Point Dhammapada, p.166
In this world. Since just about everyone, ok everyone, has been our mother and our father at some point, we need to be dutiful to everyone if we are going to call ourselves full-badged dharma scouts. What does this word dutiful mean?
To start with it means keeping our word. Every August, when Still Point goes on recess, I get to spend thirty days in the great wild world, free from constant sittings and quiet and a lack of television. I'm always excited by the thought of such freedom at the beginning of the month, but by its end, each year, I'm as eager to return to structured spiritual practice -- partly because it gives me time to sort through all the things I've experienced in my month off.
This year what I experienced was this: we don't keep our word anymore. Since I spent time in several states I'm relieved to report that this isn't simply a Michigan thing. It happened everywhere. Friends would tell me they'd call. No call. Meet me. No show. One said he'd meet me at Gallup Park, down by the Huron River and, three times, he didn't show up. Even though I had to be talked into meeting him. On the third time I decided that maybe he wasn't exactly a friend-friend, but more of a spiritual teacher. Since I am surrounded by teachers in Detroit I passed on trying to meet him a fourth time. We can stick to dinners. He shows up for those.
It wasn't just friends. I did it. Driving my daughter, Jamie, back to Madison, Wisconsin, for her senior year I promised that I'd buy what she needed for her room and kitchen. Because Jamie was in Europe all last year that meant we had to start from scratch. I had a mental budget of $200 since we already had a car full of things, including a futon, dishes, towels and sheets. The $200 was gone by noon. By dinner time I had spent another $300 and refused to pull out my VISA one more time. So I said that was it. And she was mad. Because I had given her my word. I hadn't said anything about money, only about getting her the things she needed.
I'm pretty sure I'm the only University of Wisconsin mom who dumpster dove for two trash cans and a bookcase the next morning. At least I didn't meet any other mothers but then the regular dumpster divers (new friends all) told me I had started late at 6:00 am. Aside from feeling pretty good about lightening a couple of loads headed for Madison's dump, I felt good about keeping my word. And after Jamie got over her complete disbelief that I would do such a thing she was happy too.
But not keeping one's word has followed me back to the abbey. Our contractor is months late in showing up to work on a bathroom for the basement. That we owe him money hasn't improved his behavior. He knows he has a check waiting for him here. A friend visiting the abbey this morning told me that his wife has asked him to simply not say anything rather than say he is going to fix something and not do it. "It is about trust," he said. Yes.
What is interesting to me is that everyone who I know who does this is a good person. We all mean well. Our intentions are honorable. It is just that we let life somehow come between us and our promises. Not ok. Not dutiful.
Buddha teaches that being dutiful is powerful medicine. Keeping our word feeds trust…our trust in ourselves as well as others' trust in us. It is good. It is freeing. Writ large, it feeds a freedom that benefits all our mothers and fathers. And it is good to be free.
